another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
