Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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