She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
