She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
