This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
