that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
