Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
