well he's currently spooning the coffee table
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
