I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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