someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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