I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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