I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
