May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
