Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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