I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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