I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
