conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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