remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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