In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my phone needs a breathalizer
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
