That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
