I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
