wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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