He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
