i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Are my feet made of real feet?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
