I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
