There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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