you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
