Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
