party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
