Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
