I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
