I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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