are you still at the devil's house?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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