Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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