Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Pants are for mortals
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
