Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
