I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
