The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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