I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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