I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
