he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
