I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
