:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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