I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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