I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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