There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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