i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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