Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
