He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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