he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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