i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
